In John 15:12-17 that we looked at on Sunday, we saw how friendship with God through Christ leads to Christ-like friendship with one another.  One part of such Christ-like friendships is intimacy (Jn. 15:15).  We talked about a few Scriptural examples of such intimacy, but didn't have time to get to the place of confession in building (or destroying) intimacy in our relationships.  Confession is key for such intimacy, but only the right kind of confession will do...

Confessing unto Death...

"I can't believe they would do this to me"

"How long, O Lord, until you smite them with a great smiting"

"We need to pray for so and so after what they did to me..."

"I can't believe you would even speak to me after what you did"

Each of these is a great example of confession that destroys connection in relationships. Our best relationships will always know the brokenness of sin.  At times it will come from us, but each of these is an example of how we wrongly confess when we have been sinned against by others.

• In the first, we confess to ourselves the sins of another against us.  This leads to hearts that harden and withdraw or attack.
• The second is where we confess to God the sins of another with a desire for Divine justice.  This is not a "help me" Lord request; this is a "go get 'em God" command (even if the language we use seems humble and even full of Scriptural pleas).
• #3 is my personal favorite... Its where we confess the sins of others to ... others who are not involved directly in the situation.  This is called gossip and it not only destroys intimacy, but destroys us as we train ourselves to be untrustworthy, unself-controlled, unloving, and so un-Christ-like!
• Finally, the fourth is where we confess a persons faults directly to that person as an act of vengeance/retribution/etc.  This can be done very sweetly - like poisonous words covered over with honey, or this can be done with great angry tirades.  Each destroys intimacy and ultimately will lead to our own destruction as anger leads to pride and self-righteousness, and so far, far away from Christ the Peacemaker.

Each of these is a fabulous way to destroy the intimacy with one another that we were made for originally and re-made by the gospel!  We need relationships with fellow Christians where our hearts can be shared, thoughts clarified, decisions weighed, and emotions expressed and evaluated all in the light of Scripture  (Heb 3:12-13).  This will only be possible in relationships with others who are trustworthy enough not to confess our sins to themselves, others, God, or us in a manner that destroys rather than redeems (Eph 4:29-32).  This is definitely not the confession we need.  It is not the confession that gives life to relationships; instead, it is confession unto death.

The Confession that Brings Life...

There is a 5th form of confession- the kind of confession that fits "the friends of God" (Jn. 15:14-15), and the kind of confession that Christian friends give to one another.  This is the kind of confession that builds intimacy rather than destroys it.  It is a confession we each need to in two places- 1st to God and then to one another.  

When we have felt the sting of sin from another, our first need is confession to God.  That may not be what you think of as your first need, but it most certainly is.  Listen to how the writer to the Hebrews puts it:

 Hebrews 12:14-15-  Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled..."

Here we are warned to "strive" for peace so as to ensure that "no root of bitterness" arises that can destroy not merely our relationships, but us!  That word "strive" is powerful.  It means to rapidly and decisively move towards something, to make it a chief goal and pursuit of our hearts and lives.  This is what leads us to confession and the confession we need to make is that we simply must have God's gracious enablement and help to make this our passion!  Confessing our need for grace to be peacemakers is the confession that brings life.  Without it, we will never "strive" for peace with those who have hurt us, but will likely allow (perhaps even nourish) that "root of bitterness" to weed its way into our hearts and slowly squeeze the life out of us.  Tim Lane and Paul Tripp put the choice before us this way:  "Even when our hearts have been horribly damaged by the sins of another, we are to guard our hearts so that we are not sucked into sin's destructiveness.  Being sinned against tempts us to sin.  So our need for Christ is a s big when we are sinned against as it is when we sin.  The calls to patience, humility, forgiveness, and gentleness are not calls to passivity.  God is calling you to respond, but as he prescribes it."  Relationships: A Mess Worth Making p. 39.

This confession of our need for grace shouldn't end with prayer, but should be extended to other Christians- and even to the person who has sinned against us!  Here we are not confessing the sins of another- we are confessing our own sinful struggle with being peacemakers.  So let us listen to the exhortation of James 5:16 to confess that sin to one another and pray for one another.  Imagine the relational possibilities for intimacy if you were to move towards a friend who had sinned against you with this confession of your desire for grace to be a peacemaker in your relationship.  Now, that's the kind of Confession that brings life.